october

gradient, originally uploaded by yenna.

it's autumn now. i don't have much to say, mostly because i am crushed with an insane amount of disappointment towards everything ever. everything is the worst. it doesn't help that it's been gray and rainy here in chicago for seemingly weeks or months. maybe years.

we are trying to do wedding related planning but every force in my life is seemingly trying to force me to just elope and become an antisocial misfit troll who stays in her apartment, watching wife swap and law & order reruns and eating turkey sandwiches. yup, i'm a huge bummed out loser, which is why you don't return my text messages.

so, annnyway.

sigh.

madison!, originally uploaded by yenna.

hi.
i am not dead. this blog is.

lately, most things have been great, some things have sucked. that's pretty much it.

sorry i don't have much to say. i say it on my other blogs.

venue search 09

venue search 09, originally uploaded by yenna.

venue search '09 was an arduous process. i researched basically every place in chicago and the surrounding chicago area and none of them worked. they were either really strict, or didn't have our day available, or were ugly. so so ugly.

my research pretty much entails trolling message boards and blogs. which is a pretty good method because i found the most amazing place in oak park. the photos and info were promising so we visited and spoke to the necessary people and oops! we have our wedding venue.

y'aaaaal. its so perfect. i am so, so excited because this is becoming REAL. now we can move forward with the fun stuff.

hey, did you know weddings are expensive. even if you do cheap things? ugggh.

and it begins

ring #1, originally uploaded by yenna.

it's only been a few days since andy and i decided to live in sin no longer, and i am already going batshit. typical gena you all know and moderately like.

we have a tentative date and i want to book venue[s] asap, but its so hard. i have ideas, BIG ideas. but also a very limited budget. you know, just the same problems that anyone throwing a wedding would have so i shouldn't pretend that we are special or anything. i'm already knee-deep in websites and message boards and magazines. oh, being anal retentive. so wonderful.

it's exciting! and it's going to be great, that's all i care about. it being great.

oh and see that up there?! pretty right?!!? SO PRETTY. it's my practice ring, i guess you could say and it cost $12. yup. the real ring, which i FAWN over, is not in my possession yet, so andy got this sweet fake one to trick people. it's so shiny. but i am such an oaf, i keep knocking things with it and getting it tangled in my clothes and hair. so. maybe this whole engagement will make for a more graceful gena.

though that's doubtful.

5.25.09.

in case you don't follow twitter, tumblr, facebook or got my text messages (jeez i'm nerd #1), you probably don't know this!

andy and i got engaged last night! it was adorable and simple and easy and i cried like the girl that i am. no ring yet, we will pick it out together and no plans are being made now, we are just basking! we get to bask!

i'm so happy and excited. i never though i'd meet this amazing loving perfect person and i cant wait to spend the rest of my days with him. so. thats the haps! now you know!

spring!

, originally uploaded by yenna.

this is representative of how i feel lately. SO ISOLATED. IN A BUBBLE.

JAYKAYZ.

andy and i went to art chicago (which i am a large proponent of, given that i helped bring it to back from the dead many years ago) and i took a bunch of photos of other people's art. which i usually hate HATE when other people do it. but i like my photos, so whatever! the whole thing was so inspirational and great. it was a complete, but well needed, overload to the senses. seeing THAT much art in 3 hours.

anyway. hey it's spring time. so i am transitioning into my general spring time attitude: skirts, bikes, garage sales, iced tea. also, attempting to get out of the apartment more. i was a hermit to the extreme over the winter. moreso than usual because andy didn't mind just sitting on the couch wearing jamjams and watching movies. i lost contact with lots of people and felt super alienated, which was my own doing and i shouldn't blame anyone else. so now i must make attempts at not doing that this season and in the future.

also i lost like 7 pounds in the last two weeks. so that has me feeling pretty great. here's to like 3000 more.

i'm working fairly steadily, they are still discussing maybe hiring me in the future definitely. it's very wish washy and very annoying. especially since we are about to hit my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY freelancing here.

hmm, what else. oh! andy is going to sweden in two weeks, to cover the nordic games conference or something like that. he gets to go for free. i do not get to go. then a week alter he goes to LA for e3 - which is a huge american game conference. so i'm going to be missing him like crazy. and i worry about so much air travel. but he will be okay.. i must repeat to myself. HE WILL BE FINE! man i want to go to sweden.

detached.

empirest, originally uploaded by yenna.

man, i’ve just been awful at any sort of life updates since i’ve bene back at the agency. i guess i am here semi-permanently. which i am pleased about but still feel like i am getting the short end of this deal. i get to work crazy hours but without the respect, benefits or security that a REAL employee gets! yaay?

i haven’t touched my camera in weeks. actually, ive touched it. ive had it in my bag at various times i have gone out, but never pulled it out. i feel like such a hypocrite for not doing anything with it. i really, truly love photography, and have my whole life, but for some reason just cant get into the habit of taking photos. or maybe i lack inspiration. or motivation. which is most likely it. i am the least motivated individual on earth.

also, i keep getting into this cycle of wanting to retreat and just live hermit style with my fella and my cats and just burn every bridge ever built. and then wanting to be totally social and want new friends and to evolve existing friendships more. the latter only lasts for maybe 12 hours. it’s a constant topic in my mind, though. i have this little niche of people i know, and they all know each other in some way. and there’s always some bad blood somewhere and i feel awkward and feel like i shouldn’t even try. but this city is huge and full of amazing people and things, so why not just go out there and experience it?

which brings us to part two of the situation in which i constantly think about new york. the last few years have done nothing but seal the deal in my citizenship within the state of illinois. i could not and would not live in new york ever again. not only the hustle and bustle but also that i am old, too too old for the experience that i had in ny and what i associate with ny. and it seems as if the thing about new york, and living in new york, is that you get to talk about living in new york, and how that suddenly DEFINES you. oh, i live in new york/ brooklyn! obvs i am of higher class than you.

now that i am outside of it, its as if the whole scene of new york is that “we all live in FUCKING NEW YORK!” thus not needing a personality of your own, just adopting holier than thou fake “new yorker” (but actually not orig. form ny, natch) attitude. and now that i live in a far greater city, thats just not as exciting to me any more. i dont constantly brag about living in chicago. it’s great, its pretty. we have amazing food and music and culture and neighbourhoods. the end. but what i do think about, and what i miss from new york is DISCOVERY. i dont know if i have grown complacent or if chicago isnt a city that lends itself to such, but i truly do miss the nights in new york with friends, where you could go out at 11pm and have hours ahead of you of exciting adventures, of discovering new favourite spots. perhaps its just me getting old and lazy and not neccessarily allowing myself to spend all hours out, or even that fact that i read so much about chicago that no stores or places surprise me. i can go somewhere and instantly think ‘oh, ive read about this…’ which is something i never did before moving here.

so, that is my long story about why i feel out of place and detached from everything right now. i bet you cared!

second verse, same as the first

sidewalk, originally uploaded by yenna.

well. i am back to freelancing. at the exact place i freelanced at for the better part of last year. only i am the only production artist, rather than the jr. production artist. which means i am doing a CRAPTON of work. my favourite dude (the production artist) moved back to his hometown and i am taking his spot. only this time it is 100% less fun since he isn't there.

and they are talking about this being a full-time gig for me. which i would appreciate because i could use some health insurance. but every day i am there it just makes me more stressed, more frustrated. you know, i was supposed to be hired full-time LAST year. anyway, i shouldn't complain TOO much because i am happy to have a real job and do what i love doing. even if it kills me.

it's been a rough year so far, and obviously i am not the only one feeling it. i am constantly worried about the future and my potential visit into debtor's prison but all i can do right now is get through the day, go to work, love my fella and cats and try to smile at the nice, pretty things. luckily i live in the nicest, prettiest place in the world.

day 38

365: day 38, originally uploaded by yenna.

this is me. and andy. it was taken on valentine's day. which just passed, don't you know.

i am posting it from my flickr, which i update daily. i am now doing some sort of wacky experiment where you take a photo of yourself every day for a year in an attempt to nurture and expand your creativity but just proves to be a hassle and something i forget to do until 11pm that day.

but, if interested, here are the photos: 365

i don't really blog much on here, obviously. i dont really do too many exciting things, either. well, maybe i do. i've done some fun stuff recently, but i also don't have a job. like, at all. not even a temp thing that i can hate but secretly love because it allows me to pay rent. i used to be pretty crafty at finding jobs, but it's near impossible right now and i continuously serve myself some sort of nervous breakdown. i just, yea. whatever. i don't know what to do at all. but i am obviously not the only person having to deal with something like this.

when, and if i do blog, it is over on tumblr. i usually find something interesting once a day, so if you don't have that on your reader, three people who read this, or bookmarked, please do so.

this blog was started on the first day of 2008, as a way to chronicle my daily activities, or whatever it is. it was a way to distance myself from previous blogs, and the year prior where i was cracked, broken and torn apart in every way possible. (also, my stepdad found that blog and started harassing me - which is why i actually got rid of it, but thats neither here nor there) it's startling how different i feel, and how different things have been, in comparison. i still try to tackle some of the same demons, and i can't keep a job or save money but i have some things figured out, and i live with the cutest, smartest, funniest, best fella in the world and that sure is worth a lot more than a shitty job. so. here's to the future and 2009.

whoops

fraser fir, originally uploaded by yenna.

i havent posted since thanksgiving? that's surprising! so sorry, three people who read this.

i had a nice christmas and a pretty okay new year. a lot of dumb work between there and some flu and stomach pain as well.

andy and i bought a real delightful smelling tree and decorated it. and had little to no cat mishaps with said tree.

the list of resolutions and best/ worst of last year doesnt really get relayed until my birthday, which is on the 8th, by the way, thats next week, when i turn a year older which is far more significant a day and numeral change than the year. so, 2009, whatever. i've got a lot to work on this year and it's bittersweet to see '08 go, since, personally it was a wonderful year.