detached.

empirest, originally uploaded by yenna.

man, i’ve just been awful at any sort of life updates since i’ve bene back at the agency. i guess i am here semi-permanently. which i am pleased about but still feel like i am getting the short end of this deal. i get to work crazy hours but without the respect, benefits or security that a REAL employee gets! yaay?

i haven’t touched my camera in weeks. actually, ive touched it. ive had it in my bag at various times i have gone out, but never pulled it out. i feel like such a hypocrite for not doing anything with it. i really, truly love photography, and have my whole life, but for some reason just cant get into the habit of taking photos. or maybe i lack inspiration. or motivation. which is most likely it. i am the least motivated individual on earth.

also, i keep getting into this cycle of wanting to retreat and just live hermit style with my fella and my cats and just burn every bridge ever built. and then wanting to be totally social and want new friends and to evolve existing friendships more. the latter only lasts for maybe 12 hours. it’s a constant topic in my mind, though. i have this little niche of people i know, and they all know each other in some way. and there’s always some bad blood somewhere and i feel awkward and feel like i shouldn’t even try. but this city is huge and full of amazing people and things, so why not just go out there and experience it?

which brings us to part two of the situation in which i constantly think about new york. the last few years have done nothing but seal the deal in my citizenship within the state of illinois. i could not and would not live in new york ever again. not only the hustle and bustle but also that i am old, too too old for the experience that i had in ny and what i associate with ny. and it seems as if the thing about new york, and living in new york, is that you get to talk about living in new york, and how that suddenly DEFINES you. oh, i live in new york/ brooklyn! obvs i am of higher class than you.

now that i am outside of it, its as if the whole scene of new york is that “we all live in FUCKING NEW YORK!” thus not needing a personality of your own, just adopting holier than thou fake “new yorker” (but actually not orig. form ny, natch) attitude. and now that i live in a far greater city, thats just not as exciting to me any more. i dont constantly brag about living in chicago. it’s great, its pretty. we have amazing food and music and culture and neighbourhoods. the end. but what i do think about, and what i miss from new york is DISCOVERY. i dont know if i have grown complacent or if chicago isnt a city that lends itself to such, but i truly do miss the nights in new york with friends, where you could go out at 11pm and have hours ahead of you of exciting adventures, of discovering new favourite spots. perhaps its just me getting old and lazy and not neccessarily allowing myself to spend all hours out, or even that fact that i read so much about chicago that no stores or places surprise me. i can go somewhere and instantly think ‘oh, ive read about this…’ which is something i never did before moving here.

so, that is my long story about why i feel out of place and detached from everything right now. i bet you cared!